Silent Rights - Empowering Women to Heal and Rebuild After Domestic Abuse

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Why Do People Abuse?

Domestic violence and abuse stem from a desire to gain and maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abusive people believe they have the right to control and restrict their partners, and they may enjoy the feeling that exerting power gives them. They often believe that their own feelings and needs should be the priority in their relationships, so they use abusive tactics to dismantle equality and make their partners feel less valuable and deserving of respect in the relationship.

No matter why it happens, abuse is not okay and it’s never justified.

Abuse is a learned behaviour. Sometimes people see it in their own families. Other times they learn it from friends or popular culture. However, abuse is a choice, and it’s not one that anyone has to make. Many people who experience or witness abuse growing up decide not to use those negative and hurtful ways of behaving in their own relationships. While outside forces such as drug or alcohol addiction can sometimes escalate abuse, it’s most important to recognize that these issues do not cause abuse.

Anyone can be abusive and anyone can be the victim of abuse. It happens regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation, race or economic background.

Please note that this article is not intended to explain, justify, or rationalize abuse. Nor is it designed to gain empathy or sympathy for the abuser. Abuse is wrong all the time in all circumstances. Rather the intent is to shed light on a question that plagues the abused, to gain understanding that all people do not have the same perspective of right and wrong, and to move the healing process further for those who have been damaged.

Victims often minimize violence. Violence includes throwing or breaking things, slapping, shoving, hair-pulling, and forced sex. Here are some facts you should know:.

• Usually, abuse takes place behind closed doors.

• Abusers deny their actions.

• Abusers blame the victim.

• Violence is preceded by verbal abuse.

• Abuse damages your self-esteem.

• The abuser needs to be right and in control.

• The abuser is possessive and may try to isolate their partner from friends and family.

• The abuser is hypersensitive and may react with rage.

• A gun in the house increases the risk of homicide by 500 percent.

• Two-thirds of domestic violence perpetrators have been drinking alcohol.

• One-third of victims have been drinking or using drugs.

Profile of a person that is abusive:

You may not realize that abusers feel powerless. They don’t act insecure to cover up the truth. In fact, they’re often bullies. The one thing they all have in common is that their motive is to have power over their victim. This is because they don’t feel that they have personal power, regardless of worldly success. To them, communication is a win-lose game.

They often have the following personality profile:

• Insecure.

• Needy with unrealistic expectations of a relationship.

• Distrustful.

• Often jealous.

• Verbally abusive.

• Needs to be right and in control.

• Possessive; may try to isolate their partner from friends and family.

• Hypersensitive and reacts aggressively.

• Has a history of aggression.

• Is cruel to animals or children.

• Blames their behaviour on others.

• Suffers from untreated mental health problems including depression or suicidal behaviour.

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They have a disorder.

A small number of the population is anti-social personality disorder (sociopath or psychopath) and sadistic. These disorders gain pleasure from seeing others in pain and even more pleasure when they are the ones inflicting the agony. For them, abuse is a means to an end. They abuse others to gain personal pleasure.

They were abused.

Some abusers act out their dysfunctional behaviour on others because it was done to them. In a subconscious effort to resolve their own abuse, they do the same to another person. This type of abusive behaviour is identical, meaning it matches almost exactly to their childhood experience.

They abuse because it was done to them. However, in this case the victim is the opposite. For instance, a boy who is sexually abused by a man might grow up to sexually abuse girls as evidence that they are not homosexual. The reverse can be true as well.

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They watched something.

With the advances in technology comes additional exposure at a young age to glorified abuse. Some movies, songs, TV shows, and videos minimize abuse by making fun of it or making it seem normal. A typical example is verbally attacking on another person by name calling or belittling.

They have anger issues.

Uncontrolled and unmanaged rage frequently produces abusive behaviour. The source of this anger varies but it is usually tied to a traumatic event. Unresolved trauma sparks anger when triggered by a person, circumstance or place. Because this anger comes out of nowhere, it that much harder to control and manifests abusively.

They grew up with an addict.

An addict blames others for the reason they engage in their destructive behaviour. While the victims are often forced to remain silent and acceptant of their behaviour. The end result is a lot of pent up anger and abusive behaviour. As an adult, the victim subconsciously seeks out others to blame for their actions.

They have control issues.

Some people like to be in charge. In an effort to gain or remain in control of others, they utilize inefficient means of dominance such as bullying or intimidation. While forced control can be quickly executed, it does not have lasting qualities. True leadership is void of abusive techniques.

They don’t understand boundaries.

Abusive people tend to lack the understanding of where they end and another person begins. They see their spouse/child/friend as an extension of themselves and therefore that person is not entitled to have any boundaries. The lack of distance means a person is subject to whatever the abuser decides.

They are afraid.

People who do and say things out of fear tend to use their emotions as justification for why another person needs to do what is demanded. It is as if the fear is so important or powerful that nothing else matters except what is needed to subdue it.

They lack empathy.

It is far easier to abuse others when there is no empathy for how the victim might feel. Some types of head trauma, personality disorders, and environmental traumas can cause a person to lack the ability to express empathy.

They have a personality disorder.

Just because a person has a personality disorder does not mean that they will be abusive. However, the lack of an accurate perception of reality greatly contributes to abusive behaviour. If a person is unable to see their behaviour as abusive, then they will keep doing it.

They are exhausted.

When a person reaches the end of rope, it is not uncommon for them to lash out at whoever is conveniently close. Think of it as a mental breakdown where all the things stuffed inside come pouring out usually in a destructive rather than constructive manner.

They are defensive.

Defense mechanisms such as denial, projection, regression, and suppression are utilized when a person is backed into a corner. Instead of taking space, they come out swinging and retaliate in an abusive manner.

An abusive person may have some or all of these qualities depending on the circumstances. Remember, this is not about justifying their behaviour; rather it is about helping victims to understand why a person might be abusive.

Abusers deny or minimize the problem, as do victims, and may claim that they can’t control themselves. This is untrue.

They also blame their actions on you, implying that you need to change. You’re never responsible for someone else’s behaviour.

Please consider making a donation to Silent Rights to enable us to keep helping victims of abuse and violence. You can make a donation through paypal here.

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