Abuse By Proxy
Please consider making a donation to Silent Rights to enable us to keep helping victims of abuse and violence. You can make a donation through paypal here.
When the abuser can't directly inflict abuse upon his victim, he may find accomplices to do his dirty work.
The abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbors, the media, teachers - in short, third parties - to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.
One form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social group become the instruments of the abuser.
Abusers often use other people to do their dirty work for them. These - sometimes unwitting - accomplices belong to three groups:
The abuser's social milieu
Some offenders - mainly in patriarchal and misogynist societies - co-opt other family members, friends, and colleagues into aiding and abetting their abusive conduct. In extreme cases, the victim is held "hostage" - isolated and with little or no access to funds or transportation. Often, the couple's children are used as bargaining chips or leverage. Ambient abuse by the abuser's clan, kin, kith, and village or neighborhood is rampant.
Shop Self Defense Products
The victim's social milieu
Even the victim's relatives, friends, and colleagues are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. Others rarely have a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters. In contrast, the victims are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.
Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties - it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem.
The System
The abuser perverts the system - therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges. He uses them to pathologize the victim and to separate her from her sources of emotional sustenance - notably, from her children.
Join our Healing Group
Forms of Abuse by Proxy
* Socially isolating and excluding the victim by discrediting her through a campaign of malicious rumors.
* Harassing the victim by using others to stalk her or by charging her with offenses she did not commit.
* Provoking the victim into aggressive or even antisocial conduct by having others threaten her or her loved ones.
* Colluding with others to render the victim dependent on the abuser.
Abuse by proxy continues long after the relationship is officially over (at least as far as you are concerned).
The majority of abusers get the message, however belatedly and reluctantly. Others — more vindictive and obsessed — continue to haunt their ex-spouses for years to come.
But, by far, her children are the abuser's greatest source of leverage over his abused spouse or mate.
Please consider making a donation to Silent Rights to enable us to keep helping victims of abuse and violence. You can make a donation through paypal here.
Read more blog posts:
- Why an Abuser Will Do Whatever It Takes to Sabotage You
- The Myth of the Overworked Narcissist
- Why Narcissists Always Bring Up the Past
- You Are Not Crazy, Your Self-Worth is Inherent
- What Happens When You Treat a Narcissist the Way They Treat You?
- Discarding the Narcissist vs. Being Discarded by the Narcissist
- What Victims of Narcissistic Abuse Need to Know
- Why the Silent Treatment is the Best Way to Starve a Narcissist
- Love Bombing: Recognizing the Signs and Protecting Your Heart
- Preventing Teen Dating Violence: Education and Awareness
- Recognizing and Avoiding One-Sided Relationships
- Intersectionality and Abuse: Addressing the Unique Challenges Faced by Different Communities
- Nurturing Emotional Intelligence: Managing Aggression in Children
- The Role of Therapy and Counseling in Recovery from Abuse and Violence
- Protecting Against Digital Abuse
- When Your Adult Child Becomes an Abuser
- Oppose all forms of child abuse：The rights and interests of children are inviolable
- Identifying Narcissistic Behavior
- The Manipulative Web of Abusers: How They Use Everything and Everyone to Break You Down
- The Painful Reality: How Abusers Weaponize Children in Custody Battles
- Supporting a Loved One in an Abusive Relationship: A Guide to Providing Help
- The Importance of Planning for Your Future After Abuse
- How Talking About Your Abuse Can Help You Heal
- Harnessing the Healing Power of Affirmations with Action After Abuse
- South African Heritage Day: Celebrating Diversity, Unity, and Identity
- Social Media Safety – Common Social Media Scams
- Celebrating Women’s Day in South Africa: A Tribute to Resilience and Progress
- Recognizing the Signs: Identifying Domestic Abuse Patterns
- Navigating Parenthood Together: Understanding Parallel Parenting and Coparenting
- Do You Know Your Marriage Regime?
- Rebuilding Self-Esteem and Confidence: Tools and Techniques for Women after Abuse
- The Devastating Effects of Domestic Abuse on Victims and Their Children
- Betrayal and Healing: The Impact of Infidelity on Wives, Families, and Relationships
- Cybercrime and Domestic Violence
- Understanding Domestic Abuse
- Holding Your Abuser Accountable: The Importance of Opening a Case and Applying for a Protection Order
- Breaking the Silence: Confronting Gender-Based Violence Head-On
- The Power of Healing Quotes: Words that Mend the Soul
- Harnessing the Power of Affirmations for Healing from Abuse
- Navigating the Path to Love: Starting Dating After Experiencing Abuse
- Explaining to Your Child Why You Aren’t with an Abusive Parent: A Guide to Nurturing Understanding and Healing
- Processing Anger After Experiencing an Abusive Relationship
- Navigating Coparenting with an Abuser
- How to Deal with Narcissistic Family Members
- Escaping the Darkness: Planning Your Exit Strategy in an Abusive Relationship
- The Road to Healing: Processing Trauma and Building Resilience after Abuse
- From Victim to Survivor: Embracing a New Identity
- Parenting through Healing
- Recognizing Red Flags: Safeguarding Yourself from Toxic Relationships
- Love After Abuse: Healthy Relationships and Red Flags
- Thriving Beyond Abuse: Creating a Life of Joy and Fulfillment
- The Crucial Role of Self-Reflection in Escaping an Abusive Relationship
- The Healing Power of Journaling: Transforming Pain into Empowerment
- The Power of Financial Independence: Empowering Women to Escape Abusive Relationships
- Help create a precedent for Cyber Crime
- When a victim shares trauma
- Signs Someone Is Manipulating You
- WOMEN’S RIGHTS ARE HUMAN RIGHTS!
- Survivor Story: Ena Berger
- Adverse Childhood Experiences
- Co-parenting with a Narcissist
- Regain Your Self-Respect
- Common causes of domestic violence in relationship
- Self-care Tips To Heal From Trauma And Abuse
- How to Set Boundaries
- Gaslighting
- Healing after an abusive relationship
- Signs Of Sexual Abuse
- Abuse by proxy
- Rape culture
- Stalking!
- What is Harassment?
- Different types of Narcissists
- Courts of South Africa
- Signs of narcissistic behavior
- How to Recognize the Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse
- Why Do People Abuse?
- Releasing Emotional Pain
- Be careful what you post on social media
- Why do abused women stay?
- Why women don’t feel safe
- Trying to hide the abuse
- Know your Human Rights
- Evidence
- Trauma Bonding
- What is Domestic Abuse?
- Harassment Order
- Protection Orders
