Understanding Narcissistic Relationships:
Discarding the Narcissist vs. Being Discarded by the Narcissist
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Narcissistic relationships are often characterized by emotional manipulation, control, and a distorted sense of reality. At some point, you may find yourself at a crossroads: deciding whether to discard the narcissist or, more painfully, being discarded by them. Both experiences can be profoundly damaging, but the emotional fallout and the dynamics differ depending on who is in control of the final decision.
The Cycle of Narcissistic Relationships
Before we delve into the differences between discarding a narcissist and being discarded, it’s essential to understand the narcissistic cycle of abuse. Narcissists typically operate in three phases when engaging in relationships:
Idealization: At the start, the narcissist places their partner on a pedestal, showering them with excessive praise and affection, also known as love-bombing.
Devaluation: Over time, the narcissist begins to devalue their partner. They may subtly (or overtly) criticize, gaslight, or belittle the person, eroding their self-esteem.
Discard: When the narcissist feels that they no longer have use for their partner or are faced with too much resistance, they discard them, often with shocking coldness.
Understanding this cycle helps explain the narcissist’s behavior when a relationship ends, whether you choose to leave or they do.
Discarding the Narcissist: Reclaiming Your Power
Deciding to discard a narcissist is an act of reclaiming your power and self-worth. By the time someone reaches this decision, they’ve likely endured significant emotional abuse, manipulation, and psychological torment. When you discard the narcissist, you are removing yourself from their toxic hold, and this can be incredibly empowering.
However, discarding a narcissist is not without consequences. Narcissists are not accustomed to losing control, and they view their partners as possessions rather than autonomous individuals with feelings and needs. Once you assert your independence and walk away, they may react in several ways:
Rage and Retaliation: Narcissists feel entitled to admiration and control. When you discard them, it threatens their ego. This can lead to anger, rage, or retaliation. They may seek to punish you by smearing your reputation, spreading lies, or engaging in manipulative tactics to regain control. Expect harsh words, baseless accusations, and sometimes attempts to sabotage your personal or professional life.
Love Bombing to Win You Back: If the narcissist senses that they are truly losing control, they may revert to love-bombing to lure you back in. They’ll shower you with compliments, promises of change, and grand gestures to try and pull you back into the cycle. They thrive on the ability to trap you again, and if they succeed, they’ll likely punish you further for trying to leave.
Silent Treatment or Complete Withdrawal: In some cases, a narcissist may give you the silent treatment as a form of punishment. They may also disappear completely as a means of making you feel guilty or regretful. The withdrawal tactic is meant to make you chase them for closure or resolution, further fueling their sense of control.
While discarding the narcissist can be a bold and freeing move, it is essential to prepare yourself for the potential backlash. Establish firm boundaries, cut off communication, and surround yourself with supportive people to resist any manipulative attempts to re-enter your life.
Being Discarded by the Narcissist: The Ultimate Rejection
On the flip side, being discarded by the narcissist can be one of the most painful experiences to endure. Narcissists are known for their abrupt and often cruel endings. One day you may feel secure in the relationship, and the next, they might discard you without warning, leaving you confused, devastated, and questioning everything.
When a narcissist discards you, they are finished extracting whatever value they needed from you—whether it be attention, admiration, financial gain, or emotional support. Once you are no longer useful or when they’ve found a new source of supply, they will discard you without remorse.
Here’s how a narcissist’s discard often plays out:
Sudden Coldness: Narcissists are capable of detaching from a relationship with chilling indifference. They will suddenly treat you like a stranger, often ignoring your calls or texts and acting as though you never meant anything to them. This coldness is designed to confuse and punish you for no longer serving their needs.
Triangulation: Narcissists may discard you in a way that rubs salt in the wound. They often flaunt new relationships or new “sources of supply” as a way of further punishing you. This is called triangulation—where they use another person to provoke jealousy, insecurity, and confusion. You may find out that they’ve already moved on before you even realized the relationship was ending.
Smear Campaign: After discarding you, a narcissist may engage in a smear campaign, spreading rumors or lies about you to mutual acquaintances, colleagues, or even family members. This serves a dual purpose: to deflect attention from their actions and make themselves appear as the victim while portraying you as the problematic one.
Emotional Cruelty: The narcissist will often leave you feeling worthless and discarded. They may express no empathy for your emotions, refuse to provide closure, and mock your pain. Their ability to switch from affectionate to heartless can leave you reeling, as it feels like a complete rejection of your worth as a person.
Hoovering: Even after discarding you, narcissists sometimes attempt to hoover you back into the relationship once their new supply runs out or becomes insufficient. They’ll try to re-enter your life through flattery, false promises, or playing on your emotional vulnerability. It’s important to resist this trap because falling for it only puts you back into their cycle of abuse.
The Emotional Differences: Guilt vs. Shame
When you discard the narcissist, you may feel guilt for leaving—even though intellectually you know it’s the right decision. Narcissists are skilled at making their victims feel responsible for the relationship’s failure. Despite the emotional freedom you may experience, you may also battle with guilt over whether you could have done more or tried harder.
Conversely, when the narcissist discards you, the overwhelming emotion is often shame. You may wonder why you weren’t “good enough,” what you could have done differently, and how you could have meant so little to someone who meant so much to you. The suddenness and cruelty of the discard can leave deep emotional scars, leading to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
Healing and Moving Forward
Whether you discard the narcissist or are discarded by them, healing is a process that requires time and self-compassion. If you’ve discarded them, recognize that your decision was an act of self-preservation. Stay firm in your boundaries, and avoid being pulled back into their toxic web.
If you’ve been discarded, understand that their actions are a reflection of their lack of empathy and narcissistic tendencies, not your worth. Surround yourself with a support network of friends, family, or a therapist to rebuild your sense of self-worth.
In both cases, it’s important to resist the urge to seek closure from the narcissist. They are unlikely to provide it, and any attempt at resolution could open the door to further manipulation. Instead, focus on healing, rebuilding your confidence, and reclaiming your sense of self.
Please consider making a donation to Silent Rights to enable us to keep helping victims of abuse and violence. You can make a donation through paypal here.
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