Why an Abuser Will Do Whatever It Takes to Sabotage You
Abuse can be one of the most damaging and confusing experiences a person can endure.
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At first glance, the abuser may appear charming, charismatic, and even supportive. However, beneath the surface lies a deep-seated need to control, manipulate, and diminish others in order to boost their own fragile ego. This post explores the reasons why a narcissistic abuser will go to great lengths to hurt, sabotage, and destroy aspects of your life—including your happiness, friendships, and career.
Understanding the Narcissistic Personality
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy for others, and an insatiable need for attention and admiration. Narcissists view themselves as superior, deserving of special treatment, and more important than those around them. While this can manifest in subtle ways, narcissistic abuse often involves more insidious tactics designed to dominate and control others.
At the heart of narcissism is a deep insecurity. Narcissists construct an outward image of confidence, but this is fragile and easily threatened. When someone in their life begins to thrive—whether personally, socially, or professionally—the narcissist feels challenged. Instead of celebrating your success or happiness, the narcissist views it as a threat to their perceived superiority. This insecurity fuels their need to sabotage others.
Control and Domination: The Narcissist's Ultimate Goals
Narcissistic abusers crave control. They want to dictate how you think, feel, and behave. To them, your independence is a direct threat to their dominance. If you find happiness outside of their influence—whether it’s through friendships, hobbies, or a thriving career—they feel that they are losing their hold over you. To regain this control, they will go to great lengths to sabotage anything that empowers you or makes you happy.
Tactics may include:
Undermining Your Achievements: Narcissists often downplay or dismiss your accomplishments to make you feel less confident and to keep you dependent on their approval.
Creating Doubt and Confusion: By gaslighting—making you question your own reality—they chip away at your self-esteem, making you less likely to pursue things that bring you joy.
Isolating You From Others: They might sow discord in your friendships or create drama at work, cutting you off from your support system. This isolation keeps you more reliant on them, which is precisely what they want.
Sabotaging Your Friendships
One of the first things a narcissist will attack is your relationships with other people. They see your friendships as a threat because they provide you with external validation, love, and support—things the narcissist wants to control. In a healthy relationship, you’re encouraged to nurture friendships and grow socially, but a narcissistic abuser sees any connection outside of their control as a competitor for your attention and affection.
Common tactics narcissists use to sabotage your friendships include:
Spreading Lies and Rumors: Narcissists are skilled manipulators. They may tell lies to your friends, creating tension and mistrust between you and others. The goal is to leave you feeling abandoned or alienated.
Creating Conflict: Narcissists may fabricate stories or twist the truth to cause arguments between you and your friends. This constant chaos can make you feel emotionally exhausted, leading you to withdraw from social connections.
Playing the Victim: In some cases, narcissists will play the role of the victim, accusing your friends of not supporting them or being harmful. This tactic is designed to make you feel guilty for maintaining those relationships, driving a wedge between you and your friends.
Undermining Your Career and Professional Growth
Narcissists will often try to sabotage your career if they feel threatened by your success. When you excel at work, gain recognition, or make strides in your professional life, it feeds their jealousy and triggers their insecurities. They want to remain the center of your attention and your world, and your career can be seen as competition for that role.
Here’s how they might undermine your career:
Discouraging Ambition: Narcissists will subtly or overtly discourage you from pursuing professional goals. They might say things like, “You’re not capable of handling that responsibility,” or, “That’s too much work for you.” This constant negativity erodes your self-confidence over time.
Interfering With Your Work Life: Narcissists might create chaos in your life just before an important project or meeting to ensure you can’t perform at your best. They may start arguments or manufacture crises to derail your focus.
Taking Credit for Your Achievements: In some cases, narcissists may claim that your success is due to their help, overshadowing your efforts. They want others to see them as the mastermind behind your accomplishments, further inflating their own ego.
Sabotaging Your Happiness
The narcissist's need for control extends to your emotional well-being. They cannot tolerate seeing you happy if they aren’t the source of that happiness. Anything that brings you joy—whether it’s a hobby, a new relationship, or even time spent with family—will be perceived as a threat. If they’re not the center of your world, they will do whatever they can to sabotage the things that make you happy.
Devaluing What You Love: Narcissists will often criticize or belittle the things that bring you joy, making you question whether your passions are worth pursuing.
Instigating Drama: To distract you from your happiness, narcissists will create drama. This could be through arguments, emotional manipulation, or guilt-tripping you about spending time away from them.
Constant Negativity: Narcissists thrive on negativity and conflict. Even during your happiest moments, they’ll find something to complain about or criticize, ensuring that joy is short-lived.
Why Do They Do It?
At the core of their behavior is an insatiable need for control, validation, and superiority. Narcissists rely on external sources—such as admiration from others—to prop up their fragile self-esteem. When you begin to thrive independently or experience happiness that doesn’t revolve around them, they see it as a personal threat. In their distorted worldview, your success diminishes their sense of worth. Rather than face their own insecurities, they seek to tear you down, ensuring that you never outshine them.
How to Protect Yourself From a Narcissistic Abuser
Protecting yourself from a narcissistic abuser requires a combination of emotional, psychological, and practical strategies. Once you recognize the destructive patterns in their behavior, it's essential to create boundaries, safeguard your personal information, and even take legal action if necessary. Below are some ways you can protect yourself:
Set Strong Boundaries
Narcissists often push against boundaries to exert control over you. To regain control of your life, you must establish firm, non-negotiable boundaries. Here’s how to do that:
Clearly Define Your Limits: Let the narcissist know what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. This could include refusing to engage in arguments, demanding respect for your personal space, or setting limits on the amount of time you interact with them.
Stick to Your Boundaries: Narcissists will test your limits to see if they can push you back into their sphere of influence. Remain firm and consistent, even when they try to guilt-trip or manipulate you.
Limit Their Access to Your Life
One of the most effective ways to protect yourself is by limiting the narcissist's access to your personal life. This can be difficult, especially if you’ve been emotionally tied to them, but it’s crucial for your mental and emotional well-being.
Cut Off Emotional Access:Narcissists thrive on emotional manipulation. Avoid sharing your feelings or personal challenges with them, as they will use this information to control or undermine you.
Reduce Communication: If possible, minimize contact with the narcissist. Use clear, concise language when communication is necessary, and avoid emotional engagement. In cases where full contact is unavoidable (e.g., co-parenting or work), try to use written communication (like emails) to create a record of interactions.
Keep Your Plans and Successes a Secret
Narcissists are quick to sabotage any success or happiness they aren’t part of. To prevent them from undermining your efforts, it’s best to keep your personal plans, career advancements, and social activities private.
Don’t Share Personal Goals: Narcissists will often discourage you or attempt to ruin your plans if they find out. Keep your ambitions—whether it’s a new job, a personal project, or a significant life event—out of their reach.
Stay Off Social Media: Narcissists often stalk and monitor social media accounts to keep tabs on your life. Avoid posting updates about your successes, happiness, or whereabouts, as this gives them access to information they can use against you.
Go "No Contact" or "Low Contact"
In some cases, the most effective way to protect yourself is to completely cut ties with the narcissist. This is known as going "no contact." If total separation is not possible, a "low contact" approach may be necessary, where you limit all interactions to only the bare essentials.
No Contact: This involves severing all forms of communication with the narcissist—no phone calls, no texts, no emails, and no in-person meetings. Block them on social media and cut ties with any mutual connections who might share your personal information with them.
Low Contact: If you must maintain contact due to shared responsibilities (such as children or work), keep all interactions brief, factual, and focused on essential matters. Avoid engaging in emotional conversations or giving the narcissist any access to your personal life.
Seek Legal Protection
Narcissists may escalate their behavior when they feel they’re losing control. This can lead to harassment, stalking, or even physical threats. In such cases, legal protection is essential.
Get a Protection or Restraining Order: If the narcissist begins stalking or harassing you—whether online or in person—you can file for a restraining or protection order. This legally prohibits the narcissist from contacting or approaching you, giving you legal grounds to involve law enforcement if they violate the order.
Document Everything: Keep a detailed record of all interactions, including threatening messages, phone calls, or any form of harassment. This documentation will be crucial if you need to take legal action against them.
Build a Support Network
Isolation is one of the narcissist’s most effective weapons. They often manipulate their victims into feeling alone, cut off from friends and family. To protect yourself, it’s crucial to rebuild or strengthen your support network.
Reconnect With Trusted Friends and Family: Reach out to people who have your best interests at heart and who can provide emotional support. They can offer perspective, encouragement, and a safe space to share your experiences.
Join Support Groups: There are numerous online and in-person support groups for individuals recovering from narcissistic abuse. These groups provide a safe space to discuss your experiences, gain insights, and learn from others who have been through similar situations.
Work on Emotional Healing
The psychological scars left by narcissistic abuse can be deep and long-lasting. Healing from this trauma takes time and requires active steps toward emotional recovery.
Engage in Therapy: Consider working with a therapist who specializes in trauma or narcissistic abuse recovery. They can help you process your emotions, understand the manipulation you’ve experienced, and rebuild your self-esteem.
Practice Self-Care:Take time to nurture your emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Whether through meditation, exercise, journaling, or spending time doing things that bring you joy, self-care is crucial in regaining your sense of self and emotional stability.
Detach From Their Manipulation
One of the most effective ways to protect yourself from a narcissist is to mentally and emotionally detach from their manipulation. This is easier said than done, but recognizing their tactics is the first step.
Don’t React to Their Provocations: Narcissists thrive on emotional responses. If you stop reacting to their provocations—whether it’s through arguments or manipulative behavior—they lose their power over you. Detaching from the drama is key to protecting your mental health.
Reframe Your Thinking: Remember that their attempts to sabotage you are a reflection of their insecurities, not a reflection of your worth. Constantly remind yourself that their criticism, jealousy, or manipulation is driven by their need for control, not by anything lacking in you.
Safeguard Your Finances and Personal Information
Narcissists will use any resource at their disposal to exert control. This includes financial abuse or using your personal information against you.
Secure Your Finances: If you share financial responsibilities with the narcissist, take steps to protect your assets. Open separate bank accounts, monitor your credit, and make sure you have access to your financial records.
Protect Personal Information: Change passwords to important accounts, including email, social media, and financial accounts. Ensure that the narcissist no longer has access to your phone, computer, or any other device where you store personal information.
Final Thoughts
Dealing with a narcissistic abuser is exhausting, but with the right strategies, you can protect yourself from their toxic influence. By setting boundaries, limiting their access to your life, and taking legal and emotional precautions, you can reclaim your freedom and peace of mind. Protecting yourself requires courage and persistence, but remember—you deserve a life free from manipulation and sabotage.
Empower yourself by recognizing the tactics they use and taking actionable steps to protect your well-being. You are in control of your life, and with time and support, you can break free from the narcissist’s hold.
Breaking free from a narcissistic abuser is challenging, but it’s possible. The more you understand their tactics, the better equipped you’ll be to protect yourself and rebuild the areas of your life they’ve tried to sabotage.
Written by Chantelle Morrison
A survivor, fighter, and advocate against domestic abuse, and the founder of Silent Rights.
My mission is to empower and educate others through the strength of my story and the knowledge I've gained.
Please consider making a donation to Silent Rights to enable us to keep helping victims of abuse and violence. You can make a donation through paypal here.
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